I'm Effing The Master
by Madame Seabush
Summary: The Doctor decides to tell the truth, confession via TARDIS video. Not particularly Rose/Doctor friendly. Semi-Crack.


**Summary**; The Doctor decides it's finally time to tell the truth, confession via tardis video.

**Author Notes**; Based on Sarah Silverman's "I'm Fucking Matt Damon". Just a silly idea that got out of hand; I don't particularly like this, personally xD But hey, if it brings enjoyment to others then I suppose it's good for something? ... alternatively, if you hate my guts for writing this or are simply disgusted. I'm not going to say don't comment - just... provide a reasonable...reason? as to what sparked your intense hate and/or disgust, yeah? Thanks. :]

* * *

"Rose!" A conflicted optimism yielded to disquiet, "it's … it's me." He gestured around at the interior, "I'm in the Tardis," As if it weren't obvious, but he thought he needed mentioning "I couldn't tell you where I am now. _Well_, I could…but I've been letting the Tardis drift for the better half an hour – so that would require me to check the controls--," He cut himself off, "… _Nevertheless_." He smiled but appeared to be troubled, allowing seriousness to take over, "I've been thinking about you a lot – and uh, I've needed to tell you something…"

"…I don't know why it is I _haven't_ told you… but it's important." A resigned sigh passed his lips,

"We were together for so long… over three years and I still haven't told you." He chuckled unsurely but remained ultimately side-tracked "And… that's not fair of me, so, here it goes…" Inhaling deeply, his brow furrowed with a deep seated concern, deliberating.

His soft gaze flickered up to meet hers, or where he was certain hers would be, fairly certain. "I'm fucking The Master."

The Master maneuvered into frame, hair ruffled and apart from the red satin robe he wore, he was naked. A sly smirk played on his lips as he intervened in such a delightful moment of truth, "He's fucking The Master."

The Doctor looked guilty; but not enough to truly be believable, "I'm sorry but it's…" He scratched the back of his neck "…well, it's true."

"He's fucking The Master" He repeated, casually now, as he luxuriated in the chair they had set up around the console.

The Doctor spared him a glance, contemplating for a moment on whether or not to say it, but turned back to the monitor "…I'm not imagining it's you."

"I'm fucking The Master…"

He allowed The Master his explicit detail, and despite his air of indifference – it was easy to see that he was enjoying it far too much, "On the bed… on the floor, on a towel by the door – against the door… in the bath, in the library, up against the controls…" as he gently swirled the scotch in its glass, "on the controls…"

The Doctor stepped in, "…Rose, I don't want you to take it badly." He attempted to approach the situation delicately by emphasizing on past times, "…we had the best of times." The Master moved in closer to play with the Doctors hair, not at all bothered by the fact they were still recording, "…Like that time we saved the world from the Daleks and the Cybermen, and we were closing the rift…and just toward the end you lost your grip?" A low snigger from the dark Time Lord seemed to prompt The Doctor, "…and you were taken to an alternative dimension where I could ultimately, never see you ever again?" He smiled naively and the accompanying Timelord grinned right along with him.

"…and I suppose, I should…also…Since…_well_, since we've gotten past the—the…" He paused as he mustered up the courage to add to his already rather large confession. "Remember last week? ... When I was playing scrabble with you online? …I was – well, I was inadvertently fucking The Master." He confessed.

The Master however simply couldn't resist temptation and once again the camera was on him, up close and personal. "Remember when you were travelling your little way across dimensions... trying to find the Doctor so you could proclaim your love to him?" A grin, "He was _definitely_ fucking The Master."

The Doctor looked downward, bashful,

"…Remember when… I told you I was fucking The Master? Well… I _was_ fucking The Master."

***

"I think that's it. I… _hope_ I was clear."

The Master snorted,

"What?"

The Master raised his brow but said nothing; wondering if the other was actually being serious – but The Doctors attention was diverted by the fact they were still recording,

"…We had a great run, Rose. And I can only hope that there are no hard feelings." A weight had been lifted in his confession, "– I hope we can be friends."

The Master nodded with an exaggerated sternness, thus destroying any credibility The Doctors sincerity might have possessed. Luckily it went unnoticed by the other. "… I'm friends with all my companions, all my old companions…" He trailed off but forced himself to snap out of it – and his smile returned. "…so! If anything isn't clear or you need closure of some kind, I'm sure… Jackie or…or Mickey would be happy to help with that."

"So…I trust…"

Exasperated and with a roll of his eyes; The Master pushed himself forward to address the recorder, "Rose…" He grimaced slightly at the taste of her name but still managed to pull off a non-personal indifference. "…I'm sure you're bored with the pleasantries by now…but you're a big girl," Luring her into the false feeling that she could possibly be put on a level playing field, "So, I think it's only fair you know that what he means is he doesn't love you."

A brief glance at the good Doctor's bewildered expression told him he had done good and The Master leered; highlighting his more devious qualities and hidden intent,

"Now, Doctor… Turn the video off and come fuck your Master."


End file.
